왓섭?

It might not feel right on the inside, but on the outside, it may look fine. 

And it probably does.

(via jessicachu)

I saw Wedding Crashers last night (I remember jennjade really wanted to see that when it first came out, and she eventually did) and this soundbite epitomizes exactly what I took from the film.

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play two young guys who aren’t actually quite that young, who crash weddings to hook up with girls for one-night stands.  The movie’s tagline is “Life’s a party.  Crash it.”  This tagline completely contradicts the existence of “rat racers”, a distinct category of people in Tal Ben-Shahar’s book, Happier, who suffer their entire lives in constant pursuit of an ever-changing goal, in the hopes that they’ll finally fulfill the one achievement that makes everything worthwhile; like a holy grail, in the sense that they never find it.

We had to read that book as part of a university fellows program.  I started it, optimistic that I could reap something of value from this experience; I turned pessimistic after the first 4 days.  However, a lot of what the book was saying in its descriptions of miserable people (which I constantly denied regarding myself), framed perfectly all that I was (and still am, sort of) doing in my life.  It talks about how the general sense of happiness that goal-oriented people feel isn’t really happiness - it’s a sensation of relief from a never-ending cycle of work and suffering.

In Wedding Crashers, Owen Wilson’s character, John, goes through a shit ton of failures in pursuing this engaged girl named Claire.  It doesn’t even seem possible that he can have her.

**~~~~~~**SPOILER ALERT**~~~~~~**

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But he does.  In the end, John gets Claire, and suddenly I realize that he could just as easily have failed (let’s just suspend the cash-seeking agendas of Hollywood screenwriters for a moment, and imagine that this is a true story - I know this idea is incredulous and juvenile and pathetic, but bear with me).

It was illogical for him to pursue her, since the chance for failure was so large.  But just by being himself and doing whatever he wanted, he found his holy grail.  After however many years of crashing weddings and one-night stands, he latched onto something and he got it.

I’ve recently revived my lust for fixed-gear bicycles, after pondering a method of transportation to the hospital for shadowing (car, bus, walking, bumming rides are all out of the question).  My old commuter bike died (the head set tube rusted, thus rendering the bike unsteerable), so I need a new one.  My mom said I could just get a really good bike, since a car is unfeasible at this point.  So I’ve been looking into road bikes and fixies. 

Along with getting a good bike, one must procure the necessary skillsets to be “worthy” of such quality equipment - the track stand, hopping curbs, countersteering, etc.  (I’ll have to ask chessmaster about unicycling over the summer).

So I was trying to do a trackstand in the common room on my suitemate’s bike, and failing terribly.

But it was refreshing to try something without caring about my success.

It was nice to forget about being pre-med, to forget about not disappointing my family, to forget about representing the University Fellows, about winning all the time, about being somebody, about being respected, about anything. 

If you want a quality, act as if you had it. - William James

Fake it ‘til you make it. - MUN

Create a Tumblr Music Playlist at MixPod.com

yayyyy hello world.  I got Bad Mike to holler “su-whoop” pretty regularly now because he thinks it’s a call for Bloods… lol I guess he just needs a Bad Mike of his own.

In other notes, the Undergraduate Research Conference was yesterday, on the 15th.  I was proud to have presented a poster along with 2 seniors and a junior… and right now I feel like I’m devoting far too much energy to my writing style and syntax - so fuck the readability and let’s just get to what my current purpose is for this depository of thoughts.

Today, current thoughts and ponderings concern the following links and topics:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hebbian_theory Hebbian Theory, which describes a basic mechanism for synaptic plasticity wherein an increase in synaptic efficacy arises from the presynaptic cell’s repeated and persistent stimulation of the postsynaptic cell.

Today I searched parameters such as “metabolism of piracetam”, “mechanisms of learning”, and “oral vs. nasal administration of piracetam”.  I’m trying to determine the ideal dosing amount and method.  It tastes like shit.  Actually, it tastes like a “salt sucralose” - you know how sucralose is supposed to be 600x sweeter than sugar?  well this piracetam shit tastes like it’s 600x saltier than salt.  and it smells sweet.  wtf.

My scale came in today, but I was out hunting for green anoles with funnelman and army from the lab so I wasn’t able to pick it up at the package delivery center…  which means I won’t get it til monday.  I need to contact shane about the stehlin foundation internship.  I also need to whip some serious ass with this damn presentation about organizational analysis regarding our projects for fellows.  The professor regards “The A+” as an award given to truly exemplary students - but only. those. who are.  *truly*.  exemplary.  that was his preface for saying “there will be at least, and probably at most, a single A+ in any given class.”  we’ll see.  they all seem like a bunch of slackers except for a few, but again, these are masters of bullshitting anything, which is why they’re at the top.  what a pity.  I’m completely out of my league, my specialty, and worst of all, my comfort zone.  I need that A+ to curb stomp them all.  And most of all, to keep the best of them hungry - because a hungry lion is a fighting lion, and the strongest relationships are formed in times of desperation and trauma.

I also need to conjure up a cool picture of myself to put on the lab website.

I saw the 2009 Sherlock Holmes film and the closing credits sequence reminded me of kyle cooper’s outstanding work in the Spider-Man films, Se7en, Dawn of the Dead, etc.  I still wish I could create something like that from a humble blank canvas in after effects.

The sound design was cool too.  Nothing brilliantly quirky like Kill Bill, but it got me thinking again about Stormdrum, Danny Elfman, heelga, string arrangement, voices of passion, etc.  It seems so easy, but when I face an empty screen… it just becomes so daunting.  ugh.  I really want to pass up jin.

Sucks for Adam, the whole screwing himself over for med school.  Part of me heard that and just put it behind me, but the revolutionist half of me heard it and was reminded of Les Mis.  What happens to people like that, people whose dreams are shattered right when they’re looking at their future selves with noses pressed up against the mirror?  That feeling can be so painful, having your achievement ripped from the tips of your tongue, just as you were beginning to taste the sweet nectar of accomplishment.  It’s like sink or swim, and just when you thought you were done swimming, a rip current throws you back into the ocean.

fuck man, I really want to figure out the biological mechanisms for learning and cognition. 

I know I’ll be judged on what I write about, what I say about it, and how I say it, but you know what?  fuck it, I can’t win either way.  and neither can a self-important judge shit.  everybody gets theirs.

I’m still eyeing that toshiba M500 touchscreen laptop with an edge-to-edge display, backlit keyboard, and a 9-cell battery.  What I’m really looking for is simply the ideal holy grail tool for interfacing my mental capacity with physical productivity to crank out fruits of labor that are worth being proud of.  I wonder if I’ll ever find it.  The nature of life in all its malevolence says I never will, but I can always hope.  Why does the wang have to be so mean to me on fb.  I mean shit dude, not like he has any friends - does he not appreciate it when people write on his wall?  even if it’s me?  does he hate me?  he might.  but then again, I’m not the one who tripped him on the fucking playground in 4th grade and left him with a damn scar on his bottom lip that makes it look like he has oral fucking herpes.  shit.  what an asswipe.  no really, I’m not as mean or as angry as I sound.

In fact, that’s something I find contorting my mind over, is the question of why people let emotions control them.  then again, a lot of life is emotion, if one speaks with regard to describing things as products of their greatest common factors - whereby emotion, like life and perception and thought and experience, are all likened by physiological signals.  It’s so weird how supposedly complex behaviours can be broken down to the simplest of chemicals.  Everything is a system with rules and perceives rules - thanks, paul buchheit.

Like a G6 by Far-East Movement feat. The Cataracs and Dev.  Thanks, fratmusic.com

major UGH, sean kingston and kanye.  sean kingston needs to just burn his fake jamaican ass and plant it on that fucking island since he loves it so much.  and kanye, on a lollipop remix?  someone get me a trash can because I need to throw up.

Oh but I don’t think I need that “ideal machine” like the toshiba M500 with a touchscreen and all.  I don’t think the touchscreen is necessary.  hmm I thought that the macbook pro would be gooe *enough*, but I guess I wouldn’t know since I’ve never used the touchscreen in that context.  maybe a completely different form factor is necessary.  like a tablet.  or a slate.  I wonder how well (or poorly) the ipad will perform.  it sure does seem like a great image reviewer for modeling photoshoots, but the OS is just so inhibiting, like most stupid apple controlware.  ugh.

holy shit I thought of a ton of stuff today, but maybe I’ll get back to cataloguing it all.

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset,when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be
like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,

Pythagoras

LLLLLMMMMMOOOOOAAAAAAAA

Some relationships burn bright and fizzle quickly into smoke and ash.  I hope this isn’t one of them.  I hope this is the one.  Because you’re still here.  And somehow I am too.  But we almost weren’t.  Sometimes life has so many little surprises that make it a little easier along the way.  Sometimes there are little things that don’t matter if I get them or not.  This matters.  I would strip all that shit away and pay for this in years of my life that were stressed away.  fuckkkk not many things matter, but this really does.  I hope.

***

Dear, I thought I’d drop a line.
The weather’s cool. The folks are fine.
I’m in bed each night at nine.
P.S. I love you.

taken via iNeedChemicalX at dA

Today’s post was going to be an emo rage about a terrible nightmare and my cold math professor are related, but I much prefer this instead.

Also, “

stumbling blocks in your path can be stepping stones if you see them. thanks, mom. ♥

“

- taken from my facebook.

love,

vincent

Two things:

kari-shma has such a freaking cool tumblr.  I simply can not believe that one person could find so much cool stuff in a single day - every day!

2econd, I was thinking about how I can improve the quality of my workstation and therefore my level of absolute productivity.  (why do I think about this nauseating mental detritus everyday?  I hate it, it’s annoying. it’s like feeding a mental tapeworm that never produces useful dividends.)

I’m often troubled by the fact that people need small victories to keep their morale high while working towards lofty goals.

It’s a fine state of mind for development of the human mind and learning, but I don’t think it applies to purchases of material things.

IMHO, material items should serve a function and otherwise melt out of existence.  “Used and not heard/seen/felt.”  That’s how the best tools work.

So, the process of acquiring the best tools shouldn’t be a process of growth, as is learning or human development, but a simple matter of research into the best options.

“Go big and don’t look back.”

To reach that final state of “maturity” of a tool where its existence matters naught shouldn’t be a long journey.

It should be a single step.

it frustrates me because there’s a significant loss of resources from a) loss of productivity due to inefficient tools along the way, and b) the constant need to update tools and RESEARCH better options and “grow” along the way.

On an entirely different note, I’ve been feeding my lust for design by ditzing up the appearance of my resume (which I’ll also need for current job apps. grr).  I pored through blogs and google searches for endless packs of vectors and typographic tools, only to stumble upon this silly amalgamation of most of my findings here.  I’ve settled upon a moshpit of translucent/transparent vector brushes overlaid upon a transparent gradient of color, with a sort of vertical Mac dock of reflected icons forming a column on the right to showcase my versatility with shitloads of programs.

I’ve been deliberating upon using either the Dock style, or a PicLens “go big” approach which might ultimately undermine the Apple-esque flavor of understated, exclusive elegance that caters to the creative class.

ugh decisions, decisions.  floral wallpaper background or dark wood flooring texture? Or Vista Aurora??? gahhh.

I’ll need to include an Objective line as well, not to mention some reference to a Wordle graphic.  I like that intimidating “sea of words” feel when it’s used as a design element.

I’m thinking the overall design scheme should allude to positive qualities that separate me from the rest of the applicant pool….. but eh, maybe that’s overthinking it.

That dock thing will be no holds barred.  I’m thinking Apple undertones of subdued arrogance, a la Lucida Grande and solid colors.  Florid vector artwork will form the heart of this design.  Wish me luck.  Here’s to the crazy ones.

crud, I need to compose some artsy picture of myself to throw into it too.  Maybe a silhouette to keep things simple?  Maybe.

right-click and select “View image” for undistorted version.

As a solution to all fellow OCD individuals out there, I suggest starting work immediately after smoking weed, having sex, or pretty much after anything that gives you a physiological “high”.

My own allegorical findings suggest that heightened levels of dopamine in the bloodstream contribute to an effectively more relaxed state of mind.  Any true OCD-ers will understand the dilemma of wanting to do work, but remaining hesitant because it might not be good enough.

In other words, stuff gets easier to do when you’re seriously happy, because your perfectionist complex is totally stoned.  With regards to myself, at least.  Your mileage may vary.

“Tracy T-something” apparently understands this with regards to love letters, but fails miserably like men who lose IQ points in the presence of women whom they deem attractive.

MOAR fails (and one win):

________

________

________

________

On to typing up cover letters for the university apple store, earley research lab, and some undergrad student positions.  And to think I believed them when they said college apps ended once you entered college.  FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU.

***

SHIT - I got ready to write about Trypophobia right here, but then in browsing through my forest of firefox tabs, I immediately felt compelled to describe several more items of note.  Which would decrease time that I have to write these cover letters.  eh, stories for next time I guess.

I’ve found that college life is a lot like camping. When you’re a n00b, you carry your whole life with you, not knowing what’s around each corner but prepared for anything nonetheless. I am referring, of course, to the amount of material baggage that every first-year university student seems wont to bring.

As an avid outdoorsman and holder of the Wilderness Survival/Hiking/Camping/Indian Lore/Pioneering/Woodcarving/Leatherworking/First Aid/Emergency Preparedness/Climbing/Orienteering merit badges, I tend towards a feeling of confidence when I enjoy nature in its uncivilized locales.

Over the years, past all the miles hiked and sites camped, I’ve witnessed my evolution as a backpacker from the “My mom packed my bag so I’m carrying my entire room” to the ultra-lightweight “cut the handle off that toothbrush to save precious ounces” mode of thought.

Naturally (and perhaps ironically so), I have grown to eschew material trappings from the civilized world when enjoying myself in the uncivilized realm. Whereas “more is better” in our cities and suburbs, “less is more” comprises my mantra on the trails.

In my first weeks of college life, I was eager to “deck out” my room in clichéd dorm décor. Now, about two months in, I find myself catering to a philosophy of minimalism. I brought with me no fewer than 10 pairs of denim from San Diego. To me, that’s a substantial number, and it doesn’t even include all the khakis, trousers, shorts, sweaters, jackets, shirts, t-shirts, belts, socks, underwear, polos, and ties that now cover my floor/bed. If I end up going to med school, maybe those’ll be suits instead of casual garb.

Aside from clothes, I sought to outfit my computer with a 42” 1080p HDTV (and with a 29000:1 contrast ratio, it also doubled as a light for my room at night), my 5.1 speaker system from home, assorted items of varied sentimental value (tequila bottles? Middle school grams? My mother’s rosary? Free stuff from around campus?), miscellaneous published works (I highly recommend Dinesh D’Souza’s What’s So Great About Christianity, as well as any good book of hymns), and other junk.

Needless to say, I crammed as much crud into my room that could fit into 6 huge luggage bags between myself and my parents. I would’ve brought my bed if the airline let me.

Even after all that, I looked to purchase stuff online, such as a [better] 5.1 speaker system, said-42” HDTV, pink Christmas lights that I found abandoned somewhere on campus (mmm creates a romantic ambience for those special nights), etc. etc.

So now, I’m stripping down to what I perceive as the bare necessities in the hopes of freeing myself from this endless addiction to supplementing my existence with “stuff”. I think I’ve realized that such a predilection for belongings impedes cerebral processes, drawing one into a mindset of contentedness. Except there’s one problem: I think I’ve traded one addiction for another. Among my 81 tabs in firefox, several detail “how to live in a prius” and the google search parameters “office in car”, among other nomadic topics.  So now I’m going to become a nauseatingly tech-savvy hobo. Shoot me now.

***

In other news, I spoke with my tenth-grade English teacher today!  Unfortunately (or perhaps it was for the better…), she woke me up at 1:30ish, and she could tell I was groggy.  Despite my less-than-ideal state, we had a surprisingly casual conversation, and it was refreshing to be relaxed while speaking with one of my academic seniors - and that’s why it may have been for the better, because had I foreseen our exchange, I might have been unnatural.  Of course, my “success” would be determined by how well I adhered to a picturesque “standard”, but that’s another story.

I’ve also developed a taste for Priscilla Ahn’s music.  Thanks to munchkin, my first exposure to her came in the form of The Boob Song, which I still uphold as my favorite by Ahn.  The critical reaction to her voice includes such descriptors as “angelic” and “calming”, and they’re absolutely right.  Perhaps the most widely heard song by Ahn is Dream, which appears on her album A Good Day.  After hearing The Boob Song, I didn’t think it was possible for her to write a better song.  I think each song has its merits, and they’re both equally good.  Thanks munchkin!

lookbook.nu

Hellaciously stylish; but I still wonder, MM or lb?  I think my allegiance is still with MM.

lb:

vs

MM:

… as in, I should have one from Harvard, or Princeton, or one of those pompous self-absorbed institutions of higher learning, such as MIT, so that people will swallow every word from my mouth like I’m the next coming of Jesus Christ.  Because if I did, then hopefully HP might’ve listened to me and wouldn’t have butchered what was potentially the greatest mobile computer of their existential history.

Anywho, I’d like to take some time here to exhibit my own pomposity in a review of the HP Touchsmart tx2z, model 1270us.  Clearly, I must have been significantly moved in some way to push myself beyond the sloth that is so characteristic of our generation, which is comprised of “the shittiest generation of fucking assholes”; I’ll make grossly clear my indignation at HP’s blatant lack of common sense, with regards to hardware design.

As you can see from this vibrant example of brilliant photography and design, the primary impetus for potential purchasers of the tx2 comes in two parts: 1) the convertible tablet design, and 2) the multitouch capability, as popularized on the iPhone/iPod Touch (this would be the first multitouch tablet for the consumer market).

Anyway, I’m not trying to sell this piece of hardware to you, so I’ll say, right now, that this paragraph contains only technical specifications: 2.2 ghz AMD Turion X2 RM-75, 4GB PC4200 DDR2 RAM (2x2GB, max 8GB), 500GB 5400 RPM SATA HDD, 64MB ATI Radeon HD 3200 discrete graphics chipset, removable SuperMulti 8x DVD±R/RW drive with Lightscribe and Double Layer support, 55Wh 6-cell battery (also got the 73Wh 8-cell at an extra $55), 12.” LED-lit display with capacitive N-Trig active digitizer (for touch capacities) max res 1200x800, modem, built-in webcam/fingerprint reader/stereo mic/remote/802.11a/b/g WLAN, digital stylus, Altec Lansing SRS speakers, 3xUSB 2.0, 10/100/1000 Gigabit Ethernet LAN, 1x ExpressCard/34 slot, 1x VGA, 1x SPDIF/headphone out, 1x headphone out, 1x microphone in, 1x consumer IR transceiver, 1x notebook Expansion Port 3.

whew.  So tonight, my most outstanding digression from this otherwise-brilliant concoction of technology comes in the form of an extruding battery.  Honestly, it reminds me of some genetically-mutated girls these days, who could have tailgate parties on their enormous asses of titanic proportions.  It would have been genius of HP to simply extend the chassis to accommodate full incorporation of the battery into the laptop frame.  However, HP missed the opportunity to include this infinitely more elegant flush-battery design, opting to side with the admittedly clumsy decision for a battery that sticks out worse than an asian from San Diego, CA at the University of Alabama.  [Holla!]  In fact, I find myself longing for my 15.4” Dell E6500 [shame, I know] from UA - because in spite of its considerably heftier design, lack of tablet/touchscreen functionality, and Dell-esque crappiness, a least the battery is flush, contributing to an ultimately more rock-solid design that’s echoed in its magnesium alloy chassis.  Honestly HP, would it have been so hard to tuck that shit in?

Secondly, the subtle shoddiness of HP’s design reiterates itself in its aspiration towards the philosophy that “the more curves, the better,” resulting in a dangerous feeling that it’ll fall apart whenever one’s hand grips the closed laptop to pick it up.  Again, I don’t know which curvaceous figure HP was using as its model for this laptop.  It’s not that the tx2 is disagreeable in its visual aesthetic in any way - the tastefully stylish Reaction exterior imprint sees to that - but rather, it aids in a subtle existence of overall fragility.  It’s these little details that count.  To be fair, HP did include features such as magnetic fly-down latches instead of the static plastic locks to keep the lid closed, but it wouldn’t have been difficult to put it under a little more scrutiny.  I would suggest a bold, flat rectangular design that’s rounded exclusively on the OUTSIDE, rather on the inside as well, so as to more effectively secure the unibody feel of a closed laptop.  This might be described as a lack of a complete seal between the lid and body when closed.  It’s reminiscent of enclosing a pen within a hardcover [text]book.

Those are really my only concerns regarding the physical design.  One last point of contention would be the laughable battery life.  Even after installing the latest release candidate of Windows 7, and connecting the extended-life 8-cell battery, battery life only just barely approaches the maximum for my Dell E6500.  In HP’s favor, the Dell does not have a touchscreen.  However, the Dell has a 15.4” screen, rather than a 12.1” screen, which I think would substitute the additional power demands of an integrated touchscreen.  Aside from that, HP’s AMD dual-core has a clock of 2.2 ghz, compared to Dell’s Intel dual-core at 2.66 ghz with triple the L2 cache size.  Now I’m not particularly knowledgeable on the topic of processor power consumption, but when I put maximum processor usage to 20%, I expect a kickass life out of an admittedly slower processor.  Come on now, HP.

It is my firm conviction that either one of two things will happen, regarding the future of convertible tablets: 1) design will improve, sustaining their existence as a niche market, or 2) the non-convertible slate form factor will gain momentum with the rumoured upcoming MacBook Touch.  In the meantime, I’ll make do with this $933 child of mine, and attempt to love it, in spite of its shortcomings and imperfections.  I had originally intended to use this tablet as 1) a portable darkroom for image review during photography outings, 2) as a more discreet alternative to a conventional laptop (think electronic legal pad with infinite pages and built-in web browser/ebooks/music/videos/pictures), 3) as a portable study aid, since I’d love to review all 2,092 pages of Gray’s Anatomy without having to buy all the paper at Office Depot, and 4) as a sort of photo album for me to refer to examples of excellent pictures while I’m out on the field taking shots.  In these 4 capacities, I have yet to fully test the success (or failure) of the tx2, and the two design flaws which I have noted seem to prove themselves integral to the tx2’s unwieldy nature.  But I figure that if I can accidentally drop a raw fish filet into a cooking fire in the middle of the San Bernardino wilderness, pick its charred ass out of the fire with some sticks, and eat the dirty bastard like I did at a Boy Scout Honor Society induction week, then I can deal with this minor annoyance of a battery that sticks out like Rick Astley at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  national rickroll ftw.

Valedictions.

inspired by an old xkcd… can’t recall which one, at the moment.

instantaneous communication is nice.  but I’m also stuck sitting in front of a monitor, breeding insanity with each passing moment:

[refresh] “aww, not logged on.”

2 minutes later

[refresh] “aww, not logged on.”

2 minutes later

[refresh] “aww, she’s still not logged on.”

rinse and repeat, ad infinitum.

Panama City Beach via jpgmag.com